I should have done this before, I should have written about this right away, but you know me. Anyway, I passed the door last night when I dreamt about you. I remember crying out your name, reaching out to hug you, missing the target every time. I know there is an exit to your world if I go deep enough. Even though you like to play that it’s not true.
We trace maps of memories… and negociate the acceptance of opposing realities. The limit between the real and the unreal, the truth and the lie, what our life was and what we added becomes blured and, by defining it, we invent ourselves.
When I told you not to, I never imagined that it would come to this. That you would come to this. To some extent it makes me laugh, though I know you will not acknowledge it: that I was right. It’s so obvious to me.
Your bondage drove you to keep tying; instead of freeing yourself, you captured others to avoid being alone. Weird.
“I know, I know…”
But he didn’t really. All he knew about was things: concepts, objects. And he didn’t enjoy knowledge. Moreover, he couldn’t not say something about himself, he always had to say at least one thing: I am… I like… I think… whatever.
She, on the other hand, didn’t know what to say, or how to be. She never liked History or any other subject that required to remember any data, or that gravitated around fixed events. For her, things could have happened in many ways, or worst, in every way. She started to realize that people were taught to be like that man, that those things were put upon them. But… By whom? What for?
I had even come up with the title. “How I understand granny”. I had thought it first in spanish —it happens to me often, ideas come to me en español—, “Cómo entiendo a mi abuela”, I don’t even know if the phrase is well-structured. It had started with the food thing: I won’t cook you no more, I’d said. From there, I passed then to how my mother criticized my grandmother, that’s when I remembered how bitchy they thought she was.
But it didn’t end there, because you married my cousin. And it seems I wasn’t surprised by it: your life had been broken by childhood miseries, and your irreverent attitude, mixed with a sexuality that gushed from you every step you made, sickened me from inside.
You liking me. Why through the intellect? I don’t know. I think that if you like me is but for a strange mix of attributes, ordinary when seen with those of their on species, but adorable if blended with others from so scattered origins. Especially for you, so full of prejudice, poor thing.
Because of a revelation in a determined circumstance (during which in a second he experiences many simultaneous lives), this man discovers he can be whomever he choses at every moment; he doesn’t know how to repeat the experience consciously, though.
“So no. I don’t think I had done anything wrong. Maybe I believed so at one moment, but, in retrospective, I guess there’s no way we could do wrong. Knowing that is our power.” She hadn’t finished saying it when she was already sorry. She knew it wasn’t the place or the moment to spit something like it. She could see in their faces that, from now on, for them, she’ll be “the lunatic”.
In this new world there exists no distance and I’ve been dreaming of you so consistently that you’re with me.